How to be Sad: Everything I’ve learned about getting happier, by being sad, better
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- Create Date：2021-05-14 10:52:06
- Update Date：2025-09-06
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- Author：Helen Russell
- ISBN：0008384568
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Summary
We live in an age when reality TV shows climax in a tearful finale。 But feeling sad – genuinely sad – is still taboo。 Yet， sadness happens to us all， sometimes in heartbreakingly awful ways。 If we don’t know how to be sad， it can be isolating for those experiencing it and baffling for those trying to help others through dark times。
Today， most of us know intellectually that ‘sad’ is normal。 But we’re not always brilliant at allowing for it， in practice。 Sadness is going to happen， so we might as well know how to ‘do it’ right。 And it’s time to start facing our problems and talking about them。 Positive psychology may have become more accepted in mainstream culture， but rates of depression have continued to rise。
We’re trying so hard to be happy。 But studies show that we could all benefit from learning the art of sadness and how to handle it， well。
We cannot avoid sadness so we might as well learn to handle it。 Helen Russell， while researching two previous books on happiness， found that today most of us are terrified of sadness。 Many of us are so phobic to averse to negative emotions that we don’t recognise them。
Today， most of us know intellectually that ‘sad’ is normal。 But we’re not always brilliant at allowing for it， in practice。 Sadness is going to happen， so we might as well know how to ‘do it’ right。 And it’s time to start facing our problems and talking about them。 Positive psychology may have become more accepted in mainstream culture， but rates of depression have continued to rise。
We’re trying so hard to be happy。 But studies show that we could all benefit from learning the art of sadness and how to handle it， well。
We cannot avoid sadness so we might as well learn to handle it。 Helen Russell， while researching two previous books on happiness， found that today most of us are terrified of sadness。 Many of us are so phobic to averse to negative emotions that we don’t recognise them。
Reviews
Karen Mace
，
I finished this book with tears in my eyes！ Not because it was a tragic ending， but because it was hopeful and refreshing - you aren't alone！！ We live in a world that is based on 'being happy'， seemingly at all costs for some， and this book gives a fascinating balance to that saying we need to embrace the negative more instead of trying to shut it out and avoid it all costs！ Life isn't all rainbows and unicorns， and we need to take more in our stride and deal with the differing emotions that lif I finished this book with tears in my eyes！ Not because it was a tragic ending， but because it was hopeful and refreshing - you aren't alone！！ We live in a world that is based on 'being happy'， seemingly at all costs for some， and this book gives a fascinating balance to that saying we need to embrace the negative more instead of trying to shut it out and avoid it all costs！ Life isn't all rainbows and unicorns， and we need to take more in our stride and deal with the differing emotions that life throws our way in a more pro-active way， instead of trying to shut out all feelings with pills and medication。The author delves heavily into her own life which is full of heartbreak and has led her on the path to trying to understand why she feels the way she does。 From childhood， to her present life， she looks back at the different stages and events that have shaped her as a person。 And how as a society we are encouraged to dismiss all the bad stuff and strive for happiness 24/7！ That isn't humanly possible！ But society tells us it is as we scroll through various social media sites， seeing the happy posts of people， and this book does a brilliant job of looking behind the curtain on a number of issues of how 'sadness' is perceived。 She also talks to a number of well known people on their own battles with expressing their emotions in life and that was quite illuminating。 The public image versus the personal battles， and that's another way in which social media has skewered our views on people。 From the role of parents trying to suppress their childrens' emotions - quick， buy them stuff to make them happy all the time！ - to how as adults we find it difficult to express our feelings and feel ashamed to be truthful or ask for help when we are suffering。 It also explores different ways of getting out of your head， so to speak， in the form of therapy， medication， reading， being in nature - and the importance of switching off from the digital world for your own wellbeing， something I always feel better for doing。This was a really well written book， full of so much honesty and great advice and information。 。。。more
Tilly Fitzgerald
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Why do we cry？How come love hurts so much？And what’s a happiness researcher doing writing about sadness， anyway？ This is what’s on the back of the book， and yet it turns out that a happiness researcher is exactly the person to give advice on sadness！ Part memoir， part advice， this book looks to dispel the idea that we should never feel sad， and that in fact， constantly chasing happiness and avoiding the sadder emotions can be harmful。 I loved the writing style of this book - because it is part m Why do we cry？How come love hurts so much？And what’s a happiness researcher doing writing about sadness， anyway？ This is what’s on the back of the book， and yet it turns out that a happiness researcher is exactly the person to give advice on sadness！ Part memoir， part advice， this book looks to dispel the idea that we should never feel sad， and that in fact， constantly chasing happiness and avoiding the sadder emotions can be harmful。 I loved the writing style of this book - because it is part memoir， the author is incredibly open， honest and warm about her own experiences and struggles and this doesn’t come across as one of those clinical types of self-help books which are just too boring to get through。 There are some very relatable elements to the book which make it a surprisingly comforting read。 That doesn’t mean that this isn’t full of research， facts， history and references though - there is plenty to back up the advice given。 I was fascinated by the history of sadness and grief， and how different this also is across different countries， cultures and religions。 For example， the Brazilians have a national day in honour of ‘Saudade’ - the feeling of being sad that life hasn’t turned out as you expected。 Yet here we try to suppress feelings of sadness and disappointment rather than accepting and embracing them as a positive thing。 The author is very clear to separate sadness and depression though - and provides a detailed explanation of what depression is， and the help we can get with it。 I especially appreciated the advice section at the end - for those who are shorter on time you could skip to this part if you need help。 Some of it is what we’ve heard before - exercise， diet etc， but there’s also a surprising link between mood and the weather （not just SAD）， and a huge benefit from culture and reading （woohoo， my method of keeping sane！）。 An enlightening and accessible read， I’d recommend this to anyone struggling with their mental health or even those trying to support others through it。 。。。more
Y。S。 Stephen
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How To Be Sad by Helen Russell examines our cultural tendency of pursuing happiness to our own detriment。 This is a book that explains the benefits of sadness and how avoiding it causes us pain in the long term。WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS BOOKHelen Russell's penchant for stories from her life experiences makes this book believable and her theory on sadness solid。 The way she tells her stories makes the book interesting and her explanations easy to follow。DISLIKESSome of the stories go on for too long How To Be Sad by Helen Russell examines our cultural tendency of pursuing happiness to our own detriment。 This is a book that explains the benefits of sadness and how avoiding it causes us pain in the long term。WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS BOOKHelen Russell's penchant for stories from her life experiences makes this book believable and her theory on sadness solid。 The way she tells her stories makes the book interesting and her explanations easy to follow。DISLIKESSome of the stories go on for too long， making the reader lose interest after a while。 How To Be Sad is a tome that can afford to lose a couple of pages。WHO IS IT FOR？This work may benefit those who sometimes feel they have to put on a smile at all times， regardless of what they are going through。Many thanks to 4th Estate for review copy。 。。。more
Hariz
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3。5 stars
Kate Henderson
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**listened to audio book**really really disliked this！！I expected life lessons in more of a self-help style， but what I got was more of a memoir。 I just didn't connect with Helen， and found her stories really dull。NOT what it says on the tin！ **listened to audio book**really really disliked this！！I expected life lessons in more of a self-help style， but what I got was more of a memoir。 I just didn't connect with Helen， and found her stories really dull。NOT what it says on the tin！ 。。。more
Paul
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In this perfect Instagrammable life that we are supposed to be leading， there is no space for boredom or sadness。 These things do not fit in the busy lives of influencers and celebrities and they expect us to follow their lead。 Not only are we not allowed to be sad now， but people are scared of this emotion and seem to want to do every to protect themselves and their loved ones from experiencing it。 Only the visible outpouring of grief for celebrities that we have never met seems to be acceptabl In this perfect Instagrammable life that we are supposed to be leading， there is no space for boredom or sadness。 These things do not fit in the busy lives of influencers and celebrities and they expect us to follow their lead。 Not only are we not allowed to be sad now， but people are scared of this emotion and seem to want to do every to protect themselves and their loved ones from experiencing it。 Only the visible outpouring of grief for celebrities that we have never met seems to be acceptable forms of emotion。But being sad is just a normal emotion it shouldn’t be something that we push to one side in the hope that it will go away and we can carry on as before。 In this book， Russell thinks that we should fully embrace it， learn what is happening to us when we are sad and the best ways of getting through it and out the other side。 She has had plenty of time to be sad in her life， details of which she expands on in the book。 Sometimes her sadness leads onto moments of depression and other illnesses。There are lots of things out there to help us when we are suffering from moments of sadness the music to choose， the places to go， apps that can help when you are at your lowest ebb and the buddy system so you can have a person to lean on as and when you need it。 There is even a recommendation for reading fiction when sad， and if you can’t bring yourself to pick up a book then an audiobook can have the same effect。 Getting out of the home can be a big help too， either for a walk or if feeling particularly brave cold water swimming。I thought that was a really well-considered and researched book that Russell has written about the subject of sadness。 I feel that she is spot on with her conclusion that the pursuit of happiness and the perfect ‘Instagram’ life is causing so many problems， especially when people have those times in their lives that don’t conform to their expectations。 Even though she has written this book to help you， it doesn’t feel like a self-help book。 She is not preachy but guides with humour her experiences about how to be sad and how to get through it in a positive way。 The advice is sensible and more importantly achievable and she details how that will help us to appreciate the happier times much more。 Well worth reading。 4。5 stars。 。。。more
Louise
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This is the second of Helen Russell's books that I've read - the other being The Year of Living Danishly。 This book was， in many ways， the more personally revealing of the two。 Helen Russell's book was a combination of an account of her， at times， challenging childhood and adult years and a look at the science and research on how to be open to and deal with our emotions。 Helen writes in a really accessible way and although it was sometimes a very personal account， she always showed a lightness o This is the second of Helen Russell's books that I've read - the other being The Year of Living Danishly。 This book was， in many ways， the more personally revealing of the two。 Helen Russell's book was a combination of an account of her， at times， challenging childhood and adult years and a look at the science and research on how to be open to and deal with our emotions。 Helen writes in a really accessible way and although it was sometimes a very personal account， she always showed a lightness of touch。 What she shared of her own life helped to illustrate and explain， but never fell into the territory of "misery memoir"。 Helen Russell is a journalist and I think her skill and experience in this area showed and enabled her to get the balance right in order to get her message across。 It was an easy， but also thought-provoking， read。 。。。more
Emily Dickson
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Thank you NetGalley for this ARC that I have finally finished after so long。 I LOVED this。 This book is part memoir， part self-help and part research paper and I think that it balanced those things perfectly。 Russell has a simple yet effective writing style。 I went in with the expectation that this would be a non-fiction story that discussed mental illness/clinical depression。 Instead it discusses the importance of balanced， rational emotion alongside Russell's personal struggles。 It talks about Thank you NetGalley for this ARC that I have finally finished after so long。 I LOVED this。 This book is part memoir， part self-help and part research paper and I think that it balanced those things perfectly。 Russell has a simple yet effective writing style。 I went in with the expectation that this would be a non-fiction story that discussed mental illness/clinical depression。 Instead it discusses the importance of balanced， rational emotion alongside Russell's personal struggles。 It talks about how sadness is the most normal thing and yet the most vilified and compares the experiences of friends and celebrities with critiques from a variety of psychologists。I don't think this book is for everyone。 If you want something that will mollycoddle your feelings of sadness or justify bad behaviour caused by mental illness， this isn't for you。 It's self-aware， informative， heart-breaking and incredibly helpful。 I am putting a list of the major trigger warnings though because this book discussed a LOT of things。TW: eating disorders， insomnia， depression， anxiety， infertility， loss of a child， medical trauma， death， grief， suicide， self harm， divorce， neglect。 。。。more
Sandra
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I really enjoyed this book and its exploration of sadness。 I felt like Russell was holding my hand and saying “absolutely nothing is wrong with you and your sadness is fine。” I don’t feel the blurb fully encompasses what to expect from this novel， as it is a part memoir as well as part exploration of the emotion sadness。 She speaks to a range of researchers， people with lived experience and shares her own life story with us。 These three components make for a digestible， comforting and informativ I really enjoyed this book and its exploration of sadness。 I felt like Russell was holding my hand and saying “absolutely nothing is wrong with you and your sadness is fine。” I don’t feel the blurb fully encompasses what to expect from this novel， as it is a part memoir as well as part exploration of the emotion sadness。 She speaks to a range of researchers， people with lived experience and shares her own life story with us。 These three components make for a digestible， comforting and informative read。 Russell talks about what to do when you’re feeling sad， how to talk about being sad and sitting with yourself when being sad。 Overall， she really advocates for simply accepting sadness will be a part of life and you do not need to battle it constantly， or constantly strive for happiness。 And with the use of researchers， science， and her story I think she achieves her goal。 This is a good self-help book for dealing with general ups and downs in life and I think the messages here are useful for everyone。 There is a jam-packed reference section as well as a resource section that allows readers to go beyond her book。 I enjoyed the way Russell approached this， as well as her writing style and also appreciate that she speaks about seeking professional help for the other challenges in her life （that go beyond just being sad）。 She embraces the distinction between mental health conditions and plain sadness， urging readers to discover what’s right for them but working through their sadness。 A book I’ll re-read and I can certainly say I’m a fan of this author！ 。。。more
Claire （Silver Linings and Pages）
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I loved this book。 It’s very real in how it validates sadness in its many forms。 There are a lot of relatable scenarios， such as when a grieving person apologises for becoming emotional， and they are basically apologising for feeling and being human。 Yes！！ been there， done that！ Why do we even do that？！ 🤷♀️The book is part memoir and part manifesto for change in how we express our full range of emotions。 It candidly explores why we become sad， and what we should do （spoiler: there’s a chapter o I loved this book。 It’s very real in how it validates sadness in its many forms。 There are a lot of relatable scenarios， such as when a grieving person apologises for becoming emotional， and they are basically apologising for feeling and being human。 Yes！！ been there， done that！ Why do we even do that？！ 🤷♀️The book is part memoir and part manifesto for change in how we express our full range of emotions。 It candidly explores why we become sad， and what we should do （spoiler: there’s a chapter on bibliotherapy） and shouldn’t do。 I found the depth of research extremely valuable and illuminating， and Helen Russell （also author of How to Live Danishly）has presented research from psychologists， psychiatrists， geneticists， neuroscientists and historians as well as blending experiences of writers， comics， athletes and change-makers。I tabbed so many pages that my family remarked how much I must have appreciated this book！ There’s too little caption space and so much covered， so I’ll touch on some of the issues raised as I’ve found them in the book: depression， perfectionism， institutional racism （BLM and George Floyd’s killing）， survivor guilt， addiction， broken heart syndrome， unemployment， loneliness， shame， infertility， parenthood， the pandemic。This book has a lot of thoughtful and empowering takeaways for learning to accommodate the deepest sadness whilst embracing life。 。。。more
Lou
，
Why do we cry？ How come love hurts？ And what's a happiness researcher doing writing about sadness， anyway？ Well， it turns out the two aren’t mutually exclusive。 After eight years of investigating into happiness， Helen discovered a startling fact: most of us are terrified of being sad。 So phobic， in fact， that we jeopardise our chances of truly living at all。 This needs to change， because we need our sadness: it’s a message。 It can tell us what’s wrong and what to do about it。 Researchers have fo Why do we cry？ How come love hurts？ And what's a happiness researcher doing writing about sadness， anyway？ Well， it turns out the two aren’t mutually exclusive。 After eight years of investigating into happiness， Helen discovered a startling fact: most of us are terrified of being sad。 So phobic， in fact， that we jeopardise our chances of truly living at all。 This needs to change， because we need our sadness: it’s a message。 It can tell us what’s wrong and what to do about it。 Researchers have found that allowing for temporary sadness， counter-intuitively， makes us happier。 And trying to avoid sadness – even to the extent many of us do on a daily basis – is detrimental to our mental health。 So the time has come to get better at having difficult conversations。 How To Be Sad is part memoir， part manifesto for change in how we express our emotions， good and bad。 Exploring why we get sad; what makes us sad; how sadness can be a force for good; the truth about crying; why some of us get sadder than others; what we can do when we’re sad; and what we definitely shouldn’t do。 Including the history of sadness， how other cultures handle theirs， the differences between sadness and depression， addiction， grief， heartbreak， burnout and everything in between。Russell interweaves personal testimony with the latest research on sadness from psychologists， psychiatrists， geneticists， neuroscientists and historians as well as the experiences of writers， comics， athletes and change-makers from both sides of the Atlantic。 How To Be Sad includes interviews with former medic Adam Kay， Joshua Becker （Becoming Minimalist）， Meik Wiking （The Happiness Research Institute）， Ella Mills （Deliciously Ella）， Jeremy Vine （BBC）， journalists Matt Rudd （The Sunday Times） and John Crace （The Guardian）， polar explorer Ben Saunders， Yomi Adegoke （The Black Girls Bible）， comedian Robin Ince， Julia Samuel MBE （Grief Works） and Mungi Ngomane （Everyday Ubuntu）。 This is a fascinating， insightful and accessible read brimming with anecdotal evidence and cases to back up the author's claims。 It explores how sadness is a vital part of life and discussion about this was much more thought-provoking than I had initially imagined it would be。 It's an intriguing and well written book compiled by one of the most prominent scientists in her field and is published at a time when many are facing more sadness than they have ever felt before。 How To Be Sad is a guide for anyone who has ever been sad。 A book about how we can all get happier by learning to be sad， better。 。。。more
Miss Anna
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This book was a real eye opener for me。 Virtually every sentence landed， hit a nerve， unlocked a question， challenged a thought。 I thoroughly enjoyed it。As someone who ‘feels sad’ most of the time， I hoped it would both shed some light on why and perhaps also offer some ideas and approaches about how to ‘improve’ my situation and it delivers on both counts on an extraordinary level。If you: •tWent to boarding school•tSet yourself a lot of goals to achieve•tOften feel disappointed with yourself•tH This book was a real eye opener for me。 Virtually every sentence landed， hit a nerve， unlocked a question， challenged a thought。 I thoroughly enjoyed it。As someone who ‘feels sad’ most of the time， I hoped it would both shed some light on why and perhaps also offer some ideas and approaches about how to ‘improve’ my situation and it delivers on both counts on an extraordinary level。If you: •tWent to boarding school•tSet yourself a lot of goals to achieve•tOften feel disappointed with yourself•tHave lost someone special•tEnjoy exploring other people’s lives and challenges to learn fromOr have even just felt sad。。。 and let’s be honest， who hasn’t。。。then this book is worth a read。Helen’s style is warm and approachable， she lays everything on the table。 She is joined throughout by the most amazing combination of ‘experts’; some professionals in their field， others expert by experience， and the mixture works beautifully。 Complimented by detailed appendices offering further reading， tools and tests to try for yourselves and possibly some of the most entertaining ‘referencing’ work I’ve ever read， this book is a must read for everyone – especially those who don’t like non-fiction。。。you’re in good company and will find out why you’re right。。。by reading it。Sheer brilliance。 Buy it， read it – you will not regret it。 。。。more
Peter Baran
，
How To be Sad is the third "brain" book I have read this year， and shares a lot topically with Ouch！ - A History of Pain around some of its discoveries about our more negative mental states。 It is fair to say however that unlike Ouch and the Rag And Bone Shop， How To Be Sad is， as its title suggests， somewhat of a self help book。 Tied up in a minor misery memoir - Russell is clear she is not writing Angela's Ashes here but it is fair that in discussing why it is important to allow ourselves to b How To be Sad is the third "brain" book I have read this year， and shares a lot topically with Ouch！ - A History of Pain around some of its discoveries about our more negative mental states。 It is fair to say however that unlike Ouch and the Rag And Bone Shop， How To Be Sad is， as its title suggests， somewhat of a self help book。 Tied up in a minor misery memoir - Russell is clear she is not writing Angela's Ashes here but it is fair that in discussing why it is important to allow ourselves to be sad， and find ways of being sad productively， she has had her own sadness。As such this is not really my kind of book， sorry。 She writes with pep and vigour about some quite unpleasant things which nevertheless are not that unusual in British society （and this is a very British book）。 A child of divorce， which came after family bereavement， perfectionist， eating disorder， depression。 They are all tackled in Sunday supplement style， there is a columnists wit threaded through all of the sadness， and a gallows humour recognised as a defence mechanism within the book。 And we occasionally get out to talk to others， experts， psychologists or people with some equally sad experiences。 For me the balance was a little off， I wanted less personal memoir and more of the stuff I got in Ouch！， the stories which crystallise a particular mindset。 that said Russelll is thorough， there is excellent stuff on perfectionism， achievement fallacy， the pain of being childless， the pain of having children。 It is also clear that post partner， epiphany about sadness and children that the 40+ aspect of the book wobbles because she has kind of worked it out。 The self help bit however becomes a little nebulous because she is also aware that the techniques that have worked for her are by definition very personal。 Cue making sure you have people to talk to， eat well， exercise， allow yourself time to be sad。This is very much a book for now， it has been completed during the early stages of the Covid crisis and you can see the weight of the relevance of the book bundled with the impossibility of some of the solutions。 It is also a little more wishy-washy on some of its pronouncements， where Ouch！ was very clear that you have to allow a little danger， a little pain into your life so you can grow， How To be Sad sort of assumes it will be there and that the resulting sadness is something you need to live with。 Infact the word pain rarely appears in How To Be Sad， there is a sense that emotion doesn't physically manifest as much。 As such it wasn't something that really worked for me - though this is partially having worked out much of this myself and having more or less worked out what I have needed for a happy ongoing life。 I can see it being useful， and even powerful read for a millennial audience， really hitting the wall， give yourself time。 。。。more
Katie Young
，
Ever since picking up and really enjoying Helen Russell's book 'The Year of Living Danishly' I've looked forward to reading more of her work。 I like the approachable and chatty tone of her writing alongside her thorough research。 'How to be Sad' feels like the author's most personal book so far， tackling some very difficult times in her own life。 This book looks at sitting with sadness， rather than seeking a life free from it。 It's packed full of interviews from a host of people and the contribu Ever since picking up and really enjoying Helen Russell's book 'The Year of Living Danishly' I've looked forward to reading more of her work。 I like the approachable and chatty tone of her writing alongside her thorough research。 'How to be Sad' feels like the author's most personal book so far， tackling some very difficult times in her own life。 This book looks at sitting with sadness， rather than seeking a life free from it。 It's packed full of interviews from a host of people and the contributions from Adam Kay， Marina Fogle and Ella Mills stood out the most for me。 The final part of the book 'Stuff to Do When You're Sad' I found especially useful at this point in time when lockdown is still in place in the UK （February）。 It's a good reminder of the things that can help when times are hard and uncertain （backed up by research）。 'How to be Sad' has left me with plenty to think about and contemplate。 Many thanks to 4th Estate and and NetGalley for the ARC。 I really enjoyed reading。 。。。more
B。S。 Casey
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I'd like to preface this by saying - I don't read anything that remotely resembles a self-help book usually。 But this book just called out to me - not yet another book telling me I shouldn't be sad， but one encouraging me to embrace my sadness and learn how to live alongside my emotions rather than hide them。Written in an easy-to-follow， jargon free style that felt more like a friend giving good advice than a faceless author telling us how to feel。 This book was refreshing， insightful and genui I'd like to preface this by saying - I don't read anything that remotely resembles a self-help book usually。 But this book just called out to me - not yet another book telling me I shouldn't be sad， but one encouraging me to embrace my sadness and learn how to live alongside my emotions rather than hide them。Written in an easy-to-follow， jargon free style that felt more like a friend giving good advice than a faceless author telling us how to feel。 This book was refreshing， insightful and genuinely helpful - dealing with the real issue of sadness still being a taboo subject no matter how popular sad movies are。 。。。more
Lauren
，